I’ve always had an extensive vocabulary but I never imagined the things that would come flying out of my mouth after I had children. No, I’m not talking about a certain long list of taboo four letter words. Although, I must admit I do use those frequently (mostly in my head so they don’t get repeated). What I’m talking about is the weird stuff we have to say because of our children. Here is my list of the top five phrases I never imagined I would ever say before I had children….
1) “Don’t eat raw meat!”
So it was the year Britney Spears had her famous melt down. I was in the check out line at our local grocery store indulging in the guilty pleasure of flipping through a magazine getting every juicy detail of her bald assault on the paparazzi with an umbrella when someone tapped me on my shoulder. It was an elderly lady with a scowl on her face pointing her bony finger to the cart in front of me. There was my two year old holding a package of raw hamburger meat, devouring it like I hadn’t fed him in days. He looked like one of the Mogwai’s eating after midnight…you know right before they turn into Gremlins.
2) “Rain is not God peeing on you!”
Our next door neighbor decided to tell our oldest when he was in Kindergarten that he shouldn’t be afraid of storms because thunder is just God bowling and lightning is the flash from the angels taking pictures of his strikes. You would think that after hearing this a normal child would deduce that rain was God crying because he lost, but not my child he refused to go outside if it was raining for weeks because he assumed that rain was what happened when God peed. He also shared this theory with his entire Kindergarten class. Imagine trying to explain that one.
3) “He can’t be near open flames, in case he farts!”
We were grilling out in the backyard and my oldest son decided to taste test the lighter fluid. I was horrified! I called poison control. I just knew my poor baby was going to die. The operator at poison control laughed at me, told me to give him some milk and to keep him away from open flames in case he got gas. (True story people I couldn’t make that one up if I tried)
4) “We are not poop horders !”
We had a dog. My boys loved the dog. However, the dog refused to go to the bathroom outside. We tried training him, we tried sending him to classes to be trained, and still everyday I would find dog turds the size of Africa on our floor. One day when my youngest saw some mud on the floor and said “gross Mommy, doggy pooped again” & then proceeded to pick up the “poop” with his bare hands & throw it in the toilet, I decided enough was enough the poopy doggy had to go. All of a sudden this miracle happened. There was no more dog poop in the house. The dog was trained. At least that’s what I thought until I went into my oldest sons room and found a box of dog poop in his closet. He had been hiding poopy dog’s messes.
5) “You can’t just pee where you want!”
I’ve actually had to utter this phrase several times. The first time I was shopping for a Valentine’s Day card for the hubby and turned to ask my three year (who was holding my hand) which card he wanted to give Daddy. What I observed was him, pants around his ankles, peeing on the display of cards. I freaked out! The second time was when I discovered my son had been peeing down the air vent in his bedroom because he was too lazy to walk down the stairs and use the bathroom. He thought the air vent was a drain (like in the shower).
Being a mother is one of the most rewarding things in the world but it can also be one of the most frustrating. Your probably thinking one of two things right now; your either compiling your own mental list of weird things you’ve said to your kids because you can completely relate or you think I’m the worst mom in the world because your child is either a baby or perfect. If your child is a baby now you will know your not alone when they start doing crazy stuff (your welcome). #lifewithboys
Tiffany O’Connor is a mom to two amazing, energetic, and fearless boys. She is married to her high school sweet heart and has three college degrees. Her hobbies include watching TV shows about zombies, hiding in her hot tub with a bottle of champagne, and writing all about her misadventures parenting in a “man cave” at #Lifewithboys.