I have to admit, I am probably one of the only women in the world who wasn’t impressed with the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. I read the first book because all of my friends told me I had to do it. I quickly skimmed over the second book, so I didn’t feel left out during girl talk at work. By the third book, I just read the plot summary on Wikipedia and called it good. When the movie came out my friends dragged me to the theater and the truth is seeing it live on the big screen just didn’t change my opinion.
I guess the problem lies in the fact that I can’t relate to the story. A young handsome billionaire meets a beautiful virgin who gives into his demands for sex (without even a first date) just moments after he tells her he wants to tie her up and whip her with a riding crop. It sounds realistic, right?
I know that the fantasy aspect is probably what appealed to a lot of women. However, for those of us who like our entertainment to be a little more realistic I’ve come up with a few changes that I like to call Fifty Shades of Grey in Mommy Land.
1. Forget The Red Playroom. In Mommy Land, the only playrooms you get are filled with sticky children’s toys. If pain is inflicted upon you in this playroom it is probably because you stepped on a Lego, for the twentieth time this week. All of the adult toys are discretely hidden somewhere in your bedroom. However, it doesn’t matter if you hide these toys in your nightstand or in an electronic wall safe at some point you are going to catch your children using your vibrator as a Lightsaber….and this will most likely happen when your mother-in-law is over for dinner.
2. Loose the Sex Contract. After reading the first book (and drinking a bottle of wine), I thought I would be funny and attempt to create my own sex contract. I used a crayon and a cocktail napkin. As a hard limit, I listed an extremely uncomfortable place…that wasn’t the backseat of a Volkswagen (If you’ve seen Mallrats, you get me). So later, while looking for gum in my purse, my son found the napkin and asked me why I didn’t want to get an anole (like the lizard). When I looked at him confused, he waved the napkin around in front of everyone at the checkout counter at Walmart and again read “No Anole”. This is the only time in my life I have been happy that he wasn’t a great reader. However, the sixty-something-year-old cashier had no trouble reading it. In Mommy Land, it is just better not to put things in writing.
3. You Won’t Have Time to Do it Twice. Unless the kids are with a sitter, you can forget doing it multiple times. You can also forget about it lasting for hours. More realistically, you are going to have about ten minutes while the kids are jumping on the trampoline next door and there is no guarantee that four minutes in someone won’t come banging on the door because they got pushed off that trampoline. You can also try to do it when all the kids are asleep, but first you have to make sure the room is empty and the door is locked, because there is nothing that kills the mood like someone jumping out from their amazing hiding spot under the bed or standing in the doorway yelling “Cool, I want to wrestle with you guys too!”
4. Don’t Expect Four Course Meals, Expensive Champagne, or Silk Sheets. In Mommy Land you will most likely drop the kids off at Grandma’s for the night, have a romantic budget friendly Stouffer’s lasagna with a bottle of cheap wine, and make your way up to the bedroom where you will fall on to the bed to make passionate love….and then realize your three-year-old peed in your bed at naptime and didn’t tell you. At this point, you can choose between stopping and changing the sheets or trying the craziest positions anyone could ever think up while you desperately avoid the wet spot.
After reading my changes to Fifty Shades of Grey I am sure you are wondering why I would rather read something realistic, instead of the Christian Grey fantasy version. To be honest, I think that my version is so much hotter than the original. When you think about it, the really sexy guy is the one who looks at the woman he has been married to for years, with her stretch marks and half shaven legs and wants to do her right where she is standing. Even if she won’t let him get an “anole” or he has to hold her leg over his head to avoid the “wet” spot. I think that is the kind of man every woman should desire and fantasize about, not some playboy that likes to spank twenty-one-year-old virgins.
Later Babes! #Lifewithboys
Tiffany O’Connor is a mom to two amazing, energetic, and fearless boys. She is married to her high school sweet heart and has three college degrees. Her hobbies include watching TV shows about zombies, hiding in her hot tub with a bottle of champagne, and writing all about her misadventures parenting in a “man cave” at #Lifewithboys.