Happy New Year everyone! I love the beginning of the year and the idea that you get a chance to refocus yourself and set new goals. I’m willing to admit that I am kind of a dork and there is something I really enjoy about getting a new calendar in January and feeling super organized for a whole five minutes.
However, there is not a single person in my household who is willing to participate in creating New Years resolutions with me. I mentioned it to my husband and he made an off handed comment about how New Years resolutions were worthless because people just give up on them in a couple of weeks. Than he said something about how everybody is in the gym on January 2nd, but by February 2nd half of those people are right back on the couch eating Doritos in their sweatpants instead of working out in them….and I kind of got the feeling like he was specifically talking about me.
So than I asked the boys what their resolutions were. The 6 year old asked me what a resolution was. I explained that it was a goal you set to improve yourself. He replied “Oh I don’t need to do that Mom, you told me I’m awesome.” My 11 year old told me he knew exactly what his resolution was going to be, but he needed me to come closer so he could whisper it to me. I came closer, he farted in my face, they both laughed like it was the funniest thing that had ever happened.
So I have decided to come up with a few resolution suggestions for my sons that will help them survive being “awesome” for another year.
Resolution # 1: Learn to accept that your flatulence isn’t as funny as you think it is and that really you just smell like something horrible crawled inside you and died. Stop farting every time you sit down at the dinner table, are stuck with a group of people in a car with the windows rolled up, and any other time when it honestly isn’t physically necessary. Making fart noises with your mouth and armpits is still occasionally acceptable. I don’t expect you to completely go cold turkey off the fart jokes.
Resolution #2: Quit sneaking food into your room. We don’t live in a Cuban prison. There is plenty of food in the house. You don’t need to bring all of the junk food in the house into your room and hide it under the bed. The dirty dishes and wrappers start to pile up, crumbs get everywhere, you get a pet rat that we didn’t buy at the pet store, and your room starts to smell really bad. We both know I let it go a few days longer than I should, because really I can’t tell the difference between rotten food and that smell you make when you fart. Eventually, your going to loose a shoe and I’m going to look for it under your bed and discover that your growing penicillin and it’s not a good moment for either of us.
Resolution #3: Stop cursing and stop using curse word alternatives. I’m not sure what is worse hearing the F word slip out of your adorable little mouth or hearing you say fudge every third word, because you think you are getting away with cussing. This year we should work on making your vocabulary a little more extensive. I want you to have a phenomenal grasp of grammar and a superlative command of syntax by the time you graduate from high school. Plus, I’m pretty sure you don’t get any extra points on your SAT’s for proper use of certain four letter words.
Resolution #4: Get all of your urine in the toilet every time you pee . This is a big one. It’s like the equivalent of me wanting to loose 60lbs or have my book published by the end of the year. This is obviously a tough one, because not a single male in the house has managed to accomplish it yet. I get that it’s going to take a lot of work and dedication. I suggest everybody just gets in the habit of sitting when they go, because that method has been 100% effective for me. However, I’m ok with whatever method you choose as long as I don’t have to clean pee off the wall and the floor anymore.
Tiffany O’Connor is a mom to two amazing, energetic, and fearless boys. She is married to her high school sweet heart and has three college degrees. Her hobbies include watching TV shows about zombies, hiding in her hot tub with a bottle of champagne, and writing all about her misadventures parenting in a “man cave” at #Lifewithboys.